the infinite rahul loop.

i’ve recently realised something. i’m calling it the infinite rahul loop.

ok wait. 2 mins. let me give you an example.

say we’re listening to songs together. your mood is haryanvi. and i want to listen to coldplay.

coldplay is not getting played. simple.

not because you stopped me. you didn’t even know. it’s because if you’re vibing haryanvi and i switch it, your mood dips, and if your mood dips, mine dips with it. so what’s the point.

and here’s the thing i tell myself: it’s a win win. because you don’t want your good songs getting wasted on a wrong mood right? coldplay deserves the right moment. so i’m not sacrificing. i’m saving it.

that’s the lie. that’s the loop defending itself. i’ve convinced myself that killing my own vibe is protecting the vibe.

because rahul doesn’t really have his own mood. rahul gets inspired from people. evolves from people. borrows from people. if you’re happy, i’m happy. that’s the whole operating system.

sounds cute na. it’s not.

because reverse it. if you’re sad, i’m sad. i absorb that too. basically a mood sponge. my baseline emotion is whoever talked to me last.

and when there’s nobody around? 5am, alone, no input signal? that’s when it gets empty. the loop has no “rahul only” mode. i never built one.

there’s no point listening to haryanvi alone. that doesn’t make any sense right?? the mood is gone. you can’t vibe. the song only worked because of who was in the room.

and the songs i was saving? still saved. still sitting there. i do this with everything honestly. save the good stuff for a version of the moment that never arrives.

now the darker part of the theory.

i always mess up. i do. and because my mood is always borrowed, when something breaks i can’t tell if it was me or them. so i just assume it’s me. every time. i’m like that person who brings bad luck, who gets something fked up for sure. so i shouldn’t care for anybody.

see what happened there? care about people → borrow their moods → something breaks → blame myself → decide to not care → care anyway because that’s literally how i’m built → loop.

infinite. rahul. loop.

every loop needs a break statement. i don’t know mine yet.

maybe it’s playing coldplay in a haryanvi room once and seeing if the world ends.

it won’t.

or it will. bad luck guy, remember.